Daily Ambivalence - Grover Cleveland

Tomorrow is President's Day but which president should I celebrate?

That's not an easy question, especially when you apply the, granted, atypical standard I use to select the presidents I want to honor.

This year I will turn my thoughts to Grover Cleveland, and it's not just because you can buy his likeness on a mousepad, though I have to admit that was the deciding factor this year.

Some people might choose to honor and celebrate past presidents because of notable things they did or didn't do. Starting wars or ending wars. Freeing races or deciding that it's stupid to not let half the population vote. Those were all notable.

When I vote for a president though, that kind of thing is what I expect from them. They are supposed to do big things like that. So why should I honor them for doing their job?

No, like I said, I use a different standard. I am devoting my President's Day to Grover Cleveland because of threes things:

1. I already mentioned the mousepad.
2. I think it's cool that he was named after a Sesame Street character.
3. Cleveland the city is awesome for tons of reasons, but going with the number 3, I will restrict it to that number:

• Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster are from Cleveland (if you don't know who those two are, shame on you).
• The Cuyahoga River, which runs through Cleveland, catches on fire from time to time. Yeah, I know, what the hell?
• Cleveland has the same name as the 22nd and 24th president of the United States.

Happy Grover Cleveland Day tomorrow.

Tomorrow is President's Day but which president should I celebrate . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - Fat Tuesday made me feel bad

This is a mint chocolate cake from
Glaus Bakery. My wife gets one
every February for her birthday.
You can't smell this from where you are.
I pity you.
I can smell this from where I am.
I pity myself even more.

I gave up desserts, candy, and soda at the start of the year.

It occurred to me on Fat Tuesday that I'm still fat.

Is Fat Tuesday early in the year because everybody knows you're still going to be fat in February, even though you have lightened up on what you eat for a whole month? And by "lightened up on what you eat," I mean to say you intended to eat less.

When is Skinny Wednesday? I tried Googling that but got nothing.

Probably some time in October.

Fat Tuesday made me feel bad . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - just another broken promise

Riding home on the train today holding an umbrella I didn't use once. Even though the weatherman said it would rain today and I should pack my umbrella.

Just another broken promise.

Like that time when Jocellyn told me she would wait for me when I went off to war.

But she didn't.

Because she died.

Just another broken promise . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - so, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that

Scientists always seem to get credit when they invent something.

The same isn't true for master chefs. I mean, sure, Mildred Day's name is often bandied about how maybe she invented rice krispie treats way back in 1939, but I knew Mildred. She totally hated marshmallows.

And you can darn well be sure it wasn't Snap, Crackle, or Pop. They're just animated characters.

But you know, if animated characters could do things like invent stuff I still wouldn't put my money on them. I'd say it was probably Count Chocula. He's got that big castle, you know? And what do all castles have? Big kitchens and big libraries.

Big libraries have lots of cookbooks, and I'll bet Count Chocula uses his big kitchen all the time. Now his cereal sucks so he's for sure not eating that. I don't think it's too far a stretch from there to say he probably invented rice krispie treats.

And he didn't get any credit. It's sad.

So, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats

No standard clickety-clack today but a drumbeat, and I can't think this difference anything but ominous as it builds and recedes between stops, a hardly heard promise of approaching armies, invaders that will more than pillage, alien men and alien minds their dark ways to learn, their dark tongue confess, learn, speak, their thoughts embrace and then understand.

Those around me now on this train, can they hear it? The drum. The beating drum. The voice in the wilderness announcing the approaching end.

Or it could be just a loose axle brush. I've heard a loose axle brush can make that sound too.

Sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - a guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes

Not the 9mm. The 9mm does not explode. The watermelon does.

And the guy was right. Kind of. The watermelon doesn't actually explode so much as blow apart. Not as impressive, really, which makes me wonder - what would it be like if Michael Bay had created the universe?

Part of me is kind of sad watermelons don't explode like mini super novas when you shoot them with a 9mm, but if Michael Bay had created the universe can you imagine how scary that would be? Things could explode for just about any reason. Let me correct that. Things could explode for any reason.

Just brushing your teeth would be treacherous. Open the medicine cabinet and - is that toothpaste in the tube or plastic explosive? That dog you just kicked, is it a chihuahua or a decepticon? That rumble in the floor, is that a passing train or is it the precursor to the first of eight earthquakes that will all register 8 on the richter scale so that when the movie is made it can say something like "And on the eighth day Bay said it wasn't good!"

Yeah, now that I think about it, I'm glad watermelons just kind of blow apart.

A guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes . . .eh.

Daily Ambivalence - forget about having a distinctive smell

Some guys are all about smelling the same way all the time. You know, they buy the same deodorant, the same cologn or aftershave. People who know them are comforted by the sameness, the sense that the person they know is encapsulated by an odor that surrounds them like invisible moths.

My dad is an Old Spice guy. Father's Day has always been a cake walk with him. For myself, I prefer to mix it up. More than that, I like to be a little strange.

On a Monday, maybe I'll choose Play-Doh as a scent. You can really buy that. Look it up. It comes in a bottle and everything. And that's nice, but something you can pour out of a bottle is too easy. If I do Play-Doh on Monday then I'll do something like Taco Time Mexi-fries on Tuesday. That's harder than it sounds. You can't just eat a bag of Mexi-fries and call it good. You can't let your breath do all the work, that's cheating. No, your whole body has to smell like Taco Time Mexi-fries. Your whole freaking body!

I make a soap.

The number of smells available to you when you embrace the rejection of distinctive smell is only limited by your imagination. Summertime Storm is nice, but so is New Car or Rodeo Clown. On Saturdays I like to get really crazy, so if you see me on a Saturday you might smell Burnt Asparagus or Lunchroom Corn.

Yeah, when I was in high school Elsha was all the rage. I've moved on.

Forget about having a distinctive smell . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - I still prefer a book

Despite all the electronic options out there today, I still prefer a book.

Mostly because of the prophecy.

Some people like the feel of paper pages on their fingers, the easy sense of where you are in a story. Or like Shoeless Joe it's the smell, but not of grass, with books it's the smell of old paper, of print that has spent too much time stacked next to others of its ilk. It is the view of books on the shelf, memorials to a reading history. It is sitting next to man you can see is reading one of your past loves. You don't interrupt but in him you sense a kindred spirit. It is the history of the page, the reality that words have lived on paper for all remembered time. Some people prefer books for these reasons, but yeah, for me I like books because of the prophecy.

I mean, it has to be real. That old woman had totally legit fortuneteller written all over her. So all I have to do is have a book in my coat pocket when that fake Elvis shoots me because he thinks I stole his spot on the Strip. The book will stop the bullet and Jason Statham who happens to be nearby will be so impressed he'll ask me to be in his next movie. And I'll win the lottery the next day.  I'll be set. The old woman described all this in detail.

Bummer about the alien invasion though.

I still prefer a book . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - the disturbing history of glue

Most people have used glue, or at least seen a bottle of glue at some point in their life. It is a common household product that few in their hectic dash through life pause to consider.

Let us do that now. Pause. Consider. Glue.

For one, glue comes in all colors of the rainbow and is used to join disparate surfaces together and make them one.

Wow, that actually sounds like a metaphor for one of modern society's magic words. The "d" word. That's somewhat disturbing.

Disturbing is also a word that starts with d. But it isn't magic.

Dragons are magic though. And they start with d.

The disturbing history of glue . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - obvious statements

I have a friend who makes observations sometimes that are pretty obvious. The thing is, he offers them up like they are oral nuggets that could be worth millions. Things like:

My wife really enjoyed her time at the mall yesterday.

or

If my wife says she spent "about 20 dollars" that's code for she spent 50 dollars.

or

If we are going somewhere and need to leave in ten minutes and my wife says "I'm almost ready, I just have one more eye left," that means we're gong to be an hour late.

I'm nice about it whenever he says stuff like that, but in my mind I'm always thinking, "Duh."

Obvious statements . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - a telephone used to actually ring

My daughter has a purse. It's big and it's one of those purses that is so ugly it's cute. Not too many things can be so ugly they achieve cute status. Purses and chihuahuas maybe. With women, the uglier a purse or a chihuahua is the more the woman likes them.

That never worked for me in high school. The fact that I was ugly just meant that I was ugly. It sucked, but at the same time, it wasn't confusing. Life was simpler back then. People who were ugly remained ugly, telephones sounded like telephones, and when you saw a chihuahua you kicked it.

Everything's upside down these days.

Today the guy sitting next to me on the train just got a phone call. His ringtone sounded like the tardis. I mean, I start looking for David Tennant but it's just a phone. Right now I can hear both sides of the conversion. It's the dude's mom calling from Florida.

And look, there's a chihuahua in that girl's purse. I almost reflexively kick the darn thing but I've learned from the last time. Too bad. I like kicking chihuahuas.

A telephone used to actually ring . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - I can only afford breakfast at Melanie's

Not that Melanie's breakfast is all that bad.

She does under cook her eggs and she serves links instead of patties. When she makes her orange juice and the directions say add three cans of water I suspect she adds four. Her hash browns aren't shredded but instead are cubed and she always glares at me when I ask for ketchup. By way of cold cereal the only choices are corn flakes or raisin bran and she won't stock anything else but skim milk. And her cream of wheat has huge lumps in it. I know there are people who prefer it that way but not me.

Dude, I guess I hate breakfast at Melanie's.

I can only afford breakfast at Melanie's . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - movie theater popcorn isn't health food

You know those morning shows where they interview movie stars just before the movie star's movie comes out and sometimes the morning show even reports on news? Well, I just learned they can be helpful sometimes.

Like today when the tall, thin guy with short hair said that movie theater popcorn isn't health food.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who just hears something and then takes it as gospel. I'm going to do a little research to verify that guy's statement, but he seemed pretty confident when he said that movie theater popcorn isn't health food.

It's a little counterintuitive because the origin of movie theater popcorn is corn and corn is a vegetable or a grain depending on whether you get it out of a can or off a cob. And both of those are good for you. I think they're even part of the pyramid or rectangle. One of those.

Bottom line though, I'm glad I was late for work today and decided to switch on the tube. It's not every day that you learn something new.

Movie theater popcorn isn't health food . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - you get in trouble if you open the back door on a school bus

I've learned this lesson for myself.

When you pull the bar on the back door an alarm goes off and the bus driver stops the bus and comes back and yells at you.

Then he kicks you off because you're too old to be on a school bus and all the kids hang out their windows and laugh at you as the school bus drives away, especially that red-headed kid in the back.

Jerk. When he dared me to pull the bar I'll bet he knew this would happen.

You get in trouble if you open the back door on a school bus . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - you go down a ways and then take a left

Sometimes I have a hard time making a decision.

I mean, don't get me wrong, once I make a decision it is final. Unless I change my mind. But usually a decision pretty much sets my course. Barring new information crossing my desk or if the decision I made turns out to be hard or inconvenient. Or if I get distracted.

You know, maybe I actually have a hard time making decisions.

I've been driving for a while now because that old man said I should go down a ways and then take a left, but what is a ways? It's been hours now and I keep shying away from the lefts that flash by. One after another and I keep coming up with decisions that argue against going left.

I'm getting hungry so I might stop at the next McDonalds that I see.

I'll get a Big Mac. Or a Spicy Chicken.

Crap, I'm in trouble if they have McRibs on the menu.

You go down a ways and then take a left . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - my daughter saw a show where they crash a lot of cars

It was a Hollywood movie and apparently all the good guys and all the bad guys had really nice cars that they liked to crash and go fast in.

Which would make it hard to tell the difference between bad guys and good guys, I would think. I'd hate to be one of the good guys driving my car fast looking for a place to crash it and all of a sudden I kill what I think is a bad guy but later that day after I've totalled my car I find out he was a good guy the whole time.

Would that make me a bad guy?

I don't think I'm going to see that movie, even though my daughter said it was bad A.

My daughter saw a show where they crash a lot of cars . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - that girl is taking luggage to work

There was that Joe vs. the Volcano movie where having a great set of luggage kind of saved the day, but if I remember right Joe was going to an island out in the middle of nowhere to throw himself in a volcano.

I would be willing to bet that girl over there is  just going to work, but her briefcase has wheels on it.

My gut reaction to this is mostly negative, as in, what an idiot, you're trip is going to amount to a walk from your car to a build twenty feet away, but maybe I'm looking at it wrong.

I mean, I'm assuming that girl has a job where she goes to boring meetings about subrogation, but maybe she has a job where they do fun things like have sleep overs. If that's the case, bringing a piece of luggage to work that has wheels on it makes perfect sense. She probably has jammies in there and a scary movie and maybe her favorite blanket. Yeah, you know, I'll bet that 's it.

I feel bad that I misjudged that girl. I'm going to go over there and introduce myself, maybe apologize.

That girl is taking luggage to work . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - I think I'm cool because I use chopsticks

People look cool using chopsticks. Kind of like some people look cool when they smoke cigarettes.

Only when you use chopsticks you use two sticks and you use them to shove food in your face instead of cancer. And you don't light chopsticks on fire. That's another difference. When you get chopsticks at a restaurant they're usually rolled in paper, so that's a similarity. I suppose if you were a smoker and you had two cigarettes you could use them as chopsticks too.

Wow, I never thought of that but that would be unbelievably cool. I mean, picture Humphrey Bogart in a fancy restaurant with Ingrid Bergman and one minute he's smoking his fag and the next he's eating dim sung. That blows my mind how cool that would be.

Maybe I'll take up smoking. Sure it'll shorten my life and make my teeth yellow, not to mention my religious prohibition, but freakin' cigarette chopsticks!? Cigarette chopsticks!!??

I think I'm cool because I use chopsticks . . . eh

Daily Ambivalence - some piano keys are stupid

There are eighty-eight keys on a regular piano and I wonder sometimes why there are so many because no song in the history of the world has ever used the top key or the bottom key. Mozzart tried to do it once but it's almost impossible to figure out how many lines you have to draw through the note to signify the correct staff position for the bottom or top note. Mozart missed the high note by two keys and he was so upset he gave up music altogether.

Not too many people know that story.

It reminds me of that other story about Beethoven and the biker gang.

Some piano keys are stupid . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - my backyard has issues

In the springtime some people look at the blossoms on trees and feel a new song in their heart, the smell of green, the hope of birth and beginnings.

I usually look at my backyard and think, "man, that is going to look like suck again."

We bought a dog last year and the odds are the yard will attain a greater level of suck than ever before. I feel a song in my heart too, but it sounds like a garage full of kazoos.

Now, I really love my dog but I hate kazoos. Which makes me wonder if I came home one day and my dog was playing a kazoo if they'd cancel each other out or if one would reign supreme.

I guess that's a stupid question. You've got to be able to hum to play a kazoo and Oakley's more of a whistler.

My backyard has issues . . . eh.