Wattpad works

30 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Flat Earth Society

I once heard that the membership cards the Flat Earth Society hands out are round. That would seem a little self-contradictory, but the card is still flat so I suppose it's okay.

I wonder what you have to do to become a member? Probably isn't that easy. Think about it. Being a member of the Flat Earth Society puts you in a very exclusive club. In that there aren't very many members.

Are you a member of the Flat Earth Society? Of course not. Loser.

I've just got to get my hands on one of those round cards.

Or a donut. A donut would be sweet too.

Flat Earth Society . . . eh.

27 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - old black pen

This is about the pen that was replaced.

Which, if you had some way of reading the first draft of this post you would see I am writing using the new blue pen. Which is ironic and possibly even cruel if black pens have feelings.

Two questions spring from this; the first of course is whether black pens have feelings; the second and possibly more controversial one is if black pens have feelings, should I even care?
Back there in the corner, behind those one things

One could infer from this that I am prejudiced against black pens. Which is ridiculous. Pink, yes, and yellow, yes, but black pens deserve just as much consideration for inclusions into the Bic Pen Best in Show competition as blue ones. I'm on board with that.

To be honest, this year I'm pushing for the Silver No. 281. I even put money on it in Las Vegas. 7 to 1 odds. But if a black pen won I wouldn't throw a fit.

Yeah, nothing says the holidays like the Bic Pen Best in Show competition. I think the ESPN 2 Bold Twelve Pack is picking it up this year. Not sure if my cable has that one.

Old black pen . . . eh.

19 December 2013

Audio of 2013 Christmas story

I am boldly going where hundreds of thousands have gone before.

Here is my first podcast, a reading of my Christmas story for this year. About seven years ago my wife suggested I write a Christmas story every year and then we could bind it and give it out as gifts to family and friends. There have been no book burning parties hosted by neighbors, so I am taking that as a positive thing.

From my family to you, Merry Christmas.

18 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - I brake for reindeer

If this were Death Race, how many points?
Not that I've ever seen one, but if there was a bumper sticker that said I Brake For Reindeer that would be pretty stupid.

Who wouldn't brake for reindeer? Have you seen those things? They're huge.

I guess the point of the bumper sticker would be Santa-based if it exists. You don't want to tick off Santa this time of year. But really, if Santa's going to refuse to bring me a present again this year because of a few indiscretions on my part, well, I can buy my own present.

That whole naughty list thing is a form of blackmail when you think about it.

I brake for reindeer . . . eh.

16 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Christmas cards

Yesterday I got a card in the mail that featured a family so homely it's a wonder they have the audacity to send pictures of themselves in the mail.

Is that unkind for me to say?

I mean, I'm leaving any description of the family purposefully vague. The odds are they won't know this post is about them. They apparently never look in the mirror. If you are that homely and send pictures of yourself to other people, you don't know that you are homely.

If I was that homely I would send a picture of Justin Bieber with my holiday greetings. Not to fool anybody. People would obviously know it wasn't me, but it would be a nice picture. I think they would appreciate that.

I wonder if I should write this family a letter explaining this? You know, to save them embarrassment next year. Not sure.

Christmas cards . . . eh.

12 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - 8th voyage of Sinbad

I wish they would make a movie about Sinbad's 8th voyage. It would make a great holiday movie.

Not too many people realize that Sinbad had a lousy sense of direction, which is how he ended up in the North Pole on his 8th voyage. Sinbad and Santa Claus had this really tense game of high stakes poker and Santa won because he cheats at cards.

And that's likely why you will never see a movie about Sinbad's 8th voyage. The powers that be don't want kids to know that Santa cheats when it comes to card games.

I say, big deal. Can't you just see that scene where Sinbad fights the ice skeletons? It would be epic. 

But no, we can't admit to little children that Santa Claus has a gambling problem.

Some people just can't handle reality.

8th voyage of Sinbad . . . eh.

10 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - new blue pen

I have a new blue pen.

If you could hear me write this it would probably sound  the same as if I said - I have a new blue Porsche.

In case you were wondering - not mine
I like my blue pen.

It fits in in my hand just fine and when I write, the line feels smooth and effortless. The words lodged in my head will shake loose with this pen and seed worlds undiscovered. This vial of ink will outflow and paint the thousand words lost in pictures, without number spin an ever expanding universe that a paltry Porsche would never contain.

Who am I kidding? I'd take a Porsche.

New blue pen . . . eh.

06 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - televisions in minivans

That minivan in front of me has one of those televisions that swings down from the ceiling.

You kind of get desperate in a car. I've got a 65" screen downstairs in my basement, but it's, well, it's in my basement at my house and right now I'm in my car. What's the screen in front of me - calculating for distance and all - 3"?

Actual photo. Actual blood.
And what the hell are they watching? It's a Disney thing, but it's not Tangled. I like Tangled. This is one of those live action things. Waverly Magicians or something like that.

This totally sucks. I can't stop watching the screen up there in front of me but it's Waverly Magicians. My eyes might start bleeding in a few seconds but there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck in a car and twenty feet away there's a TV on. No other choice but to watch.

Freakin soccer moms. I'll bet they do this on purpose. I'll bet there aren't even any kids in the minivan, and if there are they are begging her to change the channel, but she won't. Sadist.

I can just see a bit of her face in the side mirror.

She looks hot.

Televisions in minivans . . . eh.

04 December 2013

Elevator pitch pithy

Sometimes I wonder if a horror story called Brave Ballerinas would do that well.

You kind of have to ask the question - what exactly would the ballerina do that was brave?

I don't think standing on your toes for extended periods of time is brave.

Maybe if you're fat it would be considered brave that you are wearing one of those leotards. Maybe just foolish.

If you were a brave ballerina, would you get a reward for being brave, maybe a ticker tape parade? I don't think they have ticker tape parades anymore. The Romanians always made the best ticker tape, but they stopped making it in the 70s.

02 December 2013

Daily Ambivalence - leaves that turn yellow

It occurs to me that the leaves of some trees turn yellow in the fall. Like that tree over there on the side of the road.

Maybe you've noticed this before.

Boris and friends
Writers quite often wax poetic about the annual event of leaves turning yellow. They use it to make metaphors or similes about death.

Except that the trees don't die when their leaves fall off. They just drop their leaves. That's not death, is it? When it happens every year? I mean, every year. C'mon.

Take my cat, Boris. If Boris died every year I would kind of get sick of it. Make up your mind, I would probably think.

Leaves that turn yellow . . . eh.