Wattpad works

26 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year

That guy on the phone says Thanksgiving is always on Thursday but I swear when I was little it happened on Monday once.

Not that it was all that great a Thanksgiving, as Thanksgivings go. Mom got out a frozen pizza and dad had to work at the sock factory. The police even raided my older brother's garden that he was growing in his room. But it was still Thanksgiving and I was grateful for so many things:
  • the purplish gray rash on the side of Uncle Herman's face seemed to be fading
  • that squirrel I'd locked away in a box in my closet had stopped moving and keeping me up at night
  • my teacher had recently stopped crossing herself every time she walked by my desk
Yeah, I remember that Thanksgiving Monday like it was yesterday. We might have been eating pizza but mom had all the candy corn pumpkins you could eat. I got in trouble because I bit off all the green stems.

That's the only part I like.

Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year . . . eh.

24 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - if I had a Brummie accent

From what I hear, you have a Brummie accent if you come from Birmingham, which is a city somewhere in England.

I've always wanted to have an English accent because maybe then people would think I was smart or interesting. Trouble is, I hear if you're going to spontaneously adopt a new accent, Brummie is not a good choice.

Which is too bad because the word Brummie sounds so Brittsh and I like to say it with every bit of affectation available inside my mouth.

Brummie. Brummie. Brummie.

Imagine that the sound of my voice as I say this is a sweet mix of Charles Dickens' Oliver asking for more and Dick Van Dyke on his way to what should have been an Oscar nomination. That's what it sounds like when I say Brummie.

Top of the mornin', Govna. And all that rot. Excuse me while I pop on the tele and watch some BBC.

If I had a Brummie accent . . . eh.

20 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - boys don't paint their toenails

Toenail  polish is part and parcel of any woman's make-up sack but guys typically come into contact with toenail polish only if they have a girlfriend and she wants to brand him without using irons that you stick in a fire.

I for one am grateful for toenail polish because I've heard that branding is quite painful. That and branding seems like it would be confusing as well. You see a guy with a Bar S or a Circle J branded on his shoulder and what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Boys don't paint their toenails . . . eh.

18 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - three things to know before you die

Some people take it for granted that cats clean themselves and therefore have no need for cat shampoo, conditioner, or any of a string of vitalizing products.
The most amazing dog
in the world

In the pet store yesterday I noticed there are lots of hair products for dogs.

This is my dog Oakley.

Even though Oakley is a she, the shampoo we use is called Stud. If Oakley has a problem with that she has never said anything about it.

I think my cat Boris would definitely have a problem with a shampoo called Stud, even though Boris is a guy. But like I said, cats clean themselves.

All this brings me to the subject line above which is "three things to know before you die."

I had a friend who thought there were four things you need to know before you die but he died last week so I think he was wrong.

There are only three things you need to know before you die.

Three things to know before you die . . . eh.

14 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - cuff links with a dose of cyanide in a hidden compartment

Cuff links look cool but I always wonder about one thing - does the guy just not like buttons?

A bit of history for you. Buttons were invented some time in the past. Before buttons people used twigs and pins and cuff links to secure garments or to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. Cuff link people are mired in the past, stuck using an archaic form of fastening.

I for one am glad buttons were invented. And I'm glad for many reasons.

Can you imagine playing the Xbox without buttons? Try pushing on a cuff link or even a collection of pins to get your warrior princess to jump across the Eternal Chasm and then stab the Red Orc. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. No way you do that with cuff links.

I wonder if people who wear cuff links are even aware of the controversy?

One time I saw a spy show where the bad guy hid cyanide in a cuff link and he killed himself when he got caught. That was kind of cool, but if I remember right it was an old movie. Black and white even.

Cuff links with a dose of cyanide in a hidden compartment . . . eh.

11 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - if wishes were fishes

I don't know anyone who would wish for a fish if a genie popped out of a bottle and gave him or her three wishes.

Even if the "I wish for a million wishes" wish was on the table, I don't think a fish wish would ever come into play.

Think about it. Sushi is great and all, and  inarizushi is even better because it's deep fried, but to waste a whole wish on it?

By the by, I could totally kiss the guy who invented inarizushi. Or girl. I guess it could have been a girl. I don't want to fall prey to sexism. A girl could have invented inarizushi because of course it has that tofu crap in it, but my money's on it being a guy. I mean, sure it's tofu, but then you deep fry it. That has guy written all over it.

But back to the genie, I wonder what he would even do if you wished for a fish? I'm thinking it would probably piss him off. Isn't there some clause in the genie code of ethics that allows a genie to turn you into shower curtain mold or a piece of Brach's candy if you wish for a fish? Seems like I read that once.

Not to put any pressure on you.

If wishes were fishes . . . eh.

04 November 2014

Daily Ambivalence - the habits of highly effective people

I'm on the train again and I'm watching this guy standing by the door. He's reading a book about highly effective people but first off I notice he's not standing on the friction tape.

Maybe the guy just barely started the book.

When I think of friction tape I'm almost always transported back in memory to that time in WWII when my best pal Joey and I were hunkered down in a fox hole and that dog with one leg delivered the message from General MacArthur about Joey's girlfriend, how she was touring with the USO and her plane went down and Joey was afraid he'd never see her again. Call me shallow, but when Joey was reading the letter all I could think about was how much I hated K-rations.

I don't know why friction tapes reminds of that. Maybe because back then people were less safety conscious than they are now.

I sure hope that guy finishes his book soon.

The habits of highly effective people . . . eh.