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29 May 2014

There was that dream about the drain pipe

There was that dream where the drain pipe was sticking out of a wall on the side of that freeway but it was actually an entrance to a magical world where wash rags never smell mildewy but when you think about it how could you ever shrink down enough to climb into such a little drain pipe, which makes me question why I was trying to use logic in a dream in the first place because anything can happen in a dream if you've had a big enough meal right before going to bed, which is a bad habit but a little secret that not many people know is that that only thing better than Captain Crunch in the morning is Captain Crunch at about 11 or 11:35 at night, though for maximum pleasure you have to pour the milk and then wait for fifty seconds so that the individual cereals are just getting soft on the outside but the inside is still crunchy.

Wow, I really do love Captain Crunch. Except crunch berries ruin everything.

20 May 2014

Daily Ambivalence - people who hate spring blossoms

I'm sure there are people who hate spring blossoms. If you look hard enough you can find someone who hates just about anything.

Think about it. There are actually  people who don't like French fries cooked in lard. Mind boggling.

Of course, nowadays that's lots of people.

My favorite local burger joint, Ketl Krack, still bathes French fries in hot lard. Fist fights between supposed lovers are not uncommon at this place when you get down to the last fry. Now sure, lard isn't the best substance in the world when it comes to heart health, but we're talking French fries people.

What happened to my America? Lard didn't use to be a four-letter word in this country. What happened to the good old lard-by-the-foot sales down at the corner market? Why don't we see lard sculptures at weddings anymore?

We are losing touch with our bedrock traditions. Please, people, think of the children. Remember spring blossoms!

And lard. Don't forget the lard.

But if you can only remember one of those things, I'd say remember the lard.

People who hate spring blossoms . . . eh.

15 May 2014

Daily Ambivalence - Live and Let Die

I saw a list of greatest James Bond theme songs and the theme from Octopussy was high on the list and Live and Let Die was low on the list.

I think this is an outrage and I intend . . . okay, let me just dial back for a second and say - what the hell were the sensors thinking when they let the title Octopussy pass? It's not rocket science, you break that title up and it basically says eight . . . were there eight girls in that movie?

I remember there being two girls, and wasn't one of them queen of a bunch of Amazon girls? But then the title still doesn't make sense. I've identified two girls and if there were Amazons then there were probably more than just six other girls. Think about it, there had to be more than just six girls if they were Amazons. The Amazon is huge. Amazon the company is huge too, so either way.

And speaking of Amazon, I bought a book the other day and it hasn't arrived in the mail yet. With all this uproar over Live and Let Die being so low on the list and Octopussy being high on the list, I wonder if I used the wrong Amazon when I ordered the book. I should never have seen either of those movies.

Live and Let Die . . . eh.

08 May 2014

There was that dream where I only had 10 minutes to get dressed

There was that dream where I only had 10 minutes to get dressed but all I owned was a pair of basketball shorts from the 70s so I called my old gym teacher, who we called Smokin Joe back then, on the phone but he was in the middle of a jock check which is when a gym teacher makes the boys pull down their shorts to prove they wore their jock that day because it's important for boys to . . . actually I'm not really clear on the whole jock check rationale, but to each his own, and time was running out so I picked up the 70s basketball shorts as I ran and put them on two legs at a time just to spite people whole like old sayings but in the process I tripped and impaled myself on a pair a scissors.