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30 July 2014

Daily Ambivalence - I wonder if I left my window back home open

That's a question I would probably ask myself a lot if I ever went on a trip.

Which sucks because I'm a bit of a foody and I'd love to visit Italy and see what kinds of different things they have on the McDonald's menu there.

Or Japan. I'll bet you in Japan they have sushi on the McDonald's menu, only maybe it's fried or they drop it in your Coke instead of ice cubes.

Are there McDonald's restaurants in Thailand? Maybe you can go to a McDonald's in Thailand and order tom kha kai off the dollar menu. That would be totally cool and I hope I can do that some day.

Except for that stupid window back home.

It's a problem.

I wonder if I left my window back home open . . .eh.

22 July 2014

Daily Ambivalence - every time I work out

You can end lots of sentences with "every time I work out" and it makes you sound active and maybe even virile.

"I take the bus to work and sometimes have interesting conversations with a hobo . . . every time I work out."

"I'm a little behind the times when it comes to the latest and greatest apps available for download on my smart phone . . . every time I work out." 

"My brother caught me reading a Regency Romance the other day and he has been teasing me but unlike most people I don't read romances for the steamy parts . . . every time I work out." 

"Last week, I went up to my state capitol and pretended to be a reporter and I asked a few senators about the smell of money and whether they can tell the different between a 50 and 100 just by scent, which naturally led to questions about crowd control and whether rubber bullets work better than tear gas . . . every time I work out."

Actually, maybe that doesn't work all that well.

Every time I work out . . . eh.

11 July 2014

Daily Ambivalence - I don't remember this scratch

I love those stories where a dude wakes up in a bathtub full of ice and there's a note telling him he only has one kidney now.

A couple weeks ago I was reading a blog that kind of made me feel guilty because of the glut of kidney's I possess. Us humans only need one.

Maybe I wouldn't be all that upset if one day I woke up in a bathtub full of ice, you know? It would make me feel kind of heroic, actually, and not so full of guilt anymore that I have more kidneys than I need.

I'd expect to get a medal if I woke up in a bathtub full of ice though. Maybe the mayor could present the award or a cute girl like they do for stage winners in the Tour of France.

What kind of freaks me out today is this scratch on my forearm. I don't remember getting this scratch. I suspect I was drugged and then maybe someone took my kidney out through my arm. Sure the kidney isn't all that close to the forearm but what with technology nowadays, who knows?

Like I said, it's not like I needed that kidney, but getting a medal from a cute girl would have been nice.

I don't remember this scratch . . . eh.

07 July 2014

Daily Ambivalence - there was that guy who climbed to the top of mountains

I was watching television the other day, which in my experience is an activity that affirms my belief the world is full of serial killers but that we shouldn't be all that worried because the world is also full of dedicated cops who always catch the serial killer because he or she carelessly left a DNA strand in a P.O. Box, or something like that.

Having said that, I realize I went off point for a moment. So, I was watching television and there was this documentary about a guy who climbed to the top of the tallest mountain on every continent but he died hiking down Kilimanjaro because he got cholera and dysenteried himself to death. Which at the heart of it is just a poop joke and I swore I would never do one of those. But there you have it.

I think that guy would have been better off staying at home close to the bathroom, maybe watching television.

There was that guy who climbed to the top of mountains . . . eh.

03 July 2014

Daily Ambivalence - people who have jobs where bricklaying is involved

So, what, you got mortar and bricks. Even tools like trowels, which as I write this I'm not really sure what a trowel is but I think they have handles.

Of course, a description where you say "I think it has a handle" doesn't really describe much at all.

Chevy Impalas have handles and I don't think trowels are much like Chevy Impalas. But like I said, I don't remember what a trowel is so who am I to disparage any comparison someone in the know might make between a Chevy Impala and a trowel?

All this makes me think I'd be a pretty crappy bricklayer.

People who have jobs where bricklaying is involved . . . eh.