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27 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - salad dressing

Salad dressing can be drizzled or poured depending on what classification you fall under in the BMI measurement system.

I am writing this particular Daily Ambivalence because I wanted to use the word drizzle in a post. I have now used that word twice.

Mission accomplished.

Salad dressing . . . eh.

24 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Ferris Bueller

Ferris Bueller was a fictional character in a movie that had the name of Ferris Bueller in the title.

Matthew Broderick is the actor who played Ferris Bueller.

The character of Ferris Bueller was, in effect, a mortal Superman. He was pretty much invincible throughout the movie, though he probably could have been killed by a nuclear explosion.

After playing Bueller, Broderick went on to play weak, mostly pitiable characters, possibly because he had a strong premonition of his impending hair loss.

Before Broderick lost all his hair, or before he lost enough hair that thinning was a recurrent word used in any description of him, he played one of the main characters in the remake of Godzilla. He of course did not play Godzilla. Godzilla is a two hundred foot lizard and were a human actor to take on that role it would require a truly special talent. Someone like Daniel Day-Lewis or Pauly Shore.

20 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Goodbye kisses

People rarely French kiss when they say goodbye.

When I was in junior high school, my friend Dennis Gerke told me about how he French kissed his girlfriend in a movie theatre, and by French kissing I mean he kissed the girl on the mouth and he used his tongue.

I thought that sounded disgusting.

The image disturbed me for days. Why the hell would you want to do something like that?

18 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - bat phone

The bat phone was red and for some reason it was kept on a cake stand with a glass dome.

Which makes sense. Batman was obviously in fantastic shape and probably never ate cake. So what to do with the cake stand he got as a house warming gift? Well, put the bat phone in it, obviously. It kind of classed up the whole "answer a call from Commissioner Gordon" thing.

I'm sure Commissioner Gordon appreciated the gesture, what with him having to deal with the likes of The Bookworm, Egghead, The Minstrel, Louie the Lilac, and The Clock King on a daily basis.

Man, that Clock King. He was a stone cold killa.

Bat phone . . . matters.

15 March 2013

Just an opinion

Below is a poem I wrote a couple years ago when a friend lost his son in a drowning accident.

I went to a symposium a month ago and met a guy who was a professor of English at a prestigious school for a number of years. He was kind enough to look at this poem and offer feedback. I'm curious what a regular reader thinks of the change. Which is better? Actually, I don't think I'm going to say which is which. I'd be curious to hear #1 or #2.

If I get some responses (indicating interest in this particular post), I will say in a later post which is the original and which is the new one.

13 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - bottled liquids that could be mistaken for urine

Apple juice, of course.

Lots of other juices. Flavored water. And health drinks also confuse the issue.

Speaking of reasons you might need to kill yourself. I saw a story on the news some years ago about a scientist conducting a study at a pig farm. The news footage showed a lake of pig waste the scientist was studying. He was searching for a way to make the lake of pig excrement not smell bad.

There was a scientist and a scientist helper. The scientist had a rowboat. The scientist helper had waders. Like for fishing or cleaning up oil spills.

12 March 2013

Somebody else thought of that - I know you all

I know you all, and will awhile uphold
the unyoked humor of your idleness . . .
                   Henry the IV part 1, act 1, scene 2

So what is that? The start of a soliloquy or a monologue?

I was in my boss's office the other day and the conversation turned to things we were reading. I was at that time almost through reading Romeo and Juliet, so of course, I totally played that card. I mean, how often when someone asks you what you are reading can you say - "something something by Shakespeare," and not be lying?

That led to a bit of a Shakespeare discussion. Which for me boiled down to - keep it short before you say something stupid!

As I write this, I  wonder if I cut it short enough.

We got on the subject of Henry the IV, my favorite Shakespeare play, and I mentioned the quote above as being my favorite Shakespeare soliloquy.

10 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Detritus underneath the buttons of every keyboard

Not much is known about the fuzzy, sometimes greasy accumulation of refuse that lurks inside every computer keyboard.
To get an accurate picture of the environment this on-the-verge-of-life amalgam exists in, we would need to perfect the shrink ray. If someone could perfect the shrink ray, teams of explorers could venture out to document and quantify the wonders of this harsh and unforgiving climate.

Hundreds, maybe even thousands would die before the scientists were ready to publish their work in whatever leading magazine they chose. And for what?

I guess I'm glad no one has invented a shrink ray yet. It isn't worth all those lives.

Detritus underneath the buttons of every keyboard . . . eh.

08 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Paintings of trees

Paint. Nap. Paint. Nap.
Paintings of trees are ubiquitous.

Some years ago I didn't know what the word ubiquitous meant, but Dean Koontz uses the word all the time so I looked it up.

I think paintings of trees are ubiquitous because they are easy to draw.

Really good artists don't draw trees for this very reason. Take Pablo Picasso, for instance. I'm no art historian, and I only did a quick Google search, but Picasso never drew a tree. Not even when he was young and his mother took him to McDonalds and he drew naked women with a crayon on the paper placemat. Picasso had a distinct aversion to drawing trees. Drawing trees was anathema to Picasso.

Anathema is another word I didn't know when I was young, though I am not aware that Dean Koontz has any special affinity for that word.

To conclude, take a pencil and draw a vertical line. There, you have drawn a tree. Laughably simple. Picasso was right.

Paintings of trees . . . eh.

07 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Phillips screwdrivers

I used a Phillips screwdriver to unclog a toilet the other day.

Didn't work well, to the point that I actually got my hand a little wet. Enough wet that should you see me in the next day or two, I'd forgo the handshake.

I wonder if a regular screwdriver, or maybe some other kind of screwdriver, would have worked better?

Phillips screwdrivers . . . eh.

05 March 2013

Somebody else thought of that - Bathroom Wall

Went up to a pay phone on a bathroom wall
but I can't remember who I wanted to call
operator can you help me.

One of my favorite lines from any song, and it is becoming dated like a Mozart symphony.

For one, what the crap is a pay phone? Can you believe those things are going out like the dinosaur? Superman hasn't been able to to change his clothes in decades and now even the concept of a phone you drop quarters in is fading.

Regardless, I've always loved the imagery from this line, which is from Whole Day Off. Who is the guy in the bathroom? Is he just stupid drunk, stoned out of his mind, and that is why he thinks the operator can help him?

Or maybe he has every right to expect an answer because he lives in a world where the Operator knows all, only the guy has committed some error, thought a thought he shouldn't or felt something forbidden, and the Operator is silent on the other end and will be for the remainder of the caller's short life.


When was the last time you picked up a pay phone on a bathroom wall and asked the operator who you wanted to call? Yeah, me neither.

01 March 2013

Daily Ambivalence - Jasmine Rice

Picture of Jasmine Rice
Jasmine Rice is an aromatic rice that people who use chopsticks often eat.
Picture of Basmati Rice

Another aromatic rice that many chopstick-wielding people eat is Basmati Rice.

I like Jasmine Rice better, on account of it being named after a popular Disney character who despite wearing a tube top didn't have any taint of trailer park.

Fifteen years ago I saw a real version of the tube-top-wearing Disney character at a show in one of the theme parks. Her costume was quite authentic, and I am confident I wasn't the only person (i.e. adult male) in the audience who counted this show as his favorite memory from the trip.

I hear the costume now incorporates much more flesh-colored fabric than flesh, which makes me think that maybe Basmati rice isn't that bad after all.

Jasmine Rice . . . eh.