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29 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - that girl is taking luggage to work

There was that Joe vs. the Volcano movie where having a great set of luggage kind of saved the day, but if I remember right Joe was going to an island out in the middle of nowhere to throw himself in a volcano.

I would be willing to bet that girl over there is  just going to work, but her briefcase has wheels on it.

My gut reaction to this is mostly negative, as in, what an idiot, you're trip is going to amount to a walk from your car to a build twenty feet away, but maybe I'm looking at it wrong.

I mean, I'm assuming that girl has a job where she goes to boring meetings about subrogation, but maybe she has a job where they do fun things like have sleep overs. If that's the case, bringing a piece of luggage to work that has wheels on it makes perfect sense. She probably has jammies in there and a scary movie and maybe her favorite blanket. Yeah, you know, I'll bet that 's it.

I feel bad that I misjudged that girl. I'm going to go over there and introduce myself, maybe apologize.

That girl is taking luggage to work . . . eh.

27 April 2015

That dream about my neighbor's sauna

There was that dream where my neighbor Wes Craven built the sauna in his backyard but he used balsa wood instead of cedar because it was on sale at Lowe's and I still didn't think it was weird that Wes Craven was my neighbor and I can't really think of a movie where teenagers got stabbed by meat thermometers while they basted in a sauna but that could just be a shortcoming in my horror library or this post could be the germ of an idea for some up-and-coming horror director and if that is the case my one suggestion would be that a cop at the crime scene make some kind of quip like "this kid was well done."

24 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - I think I'm cool because I use chopsticks

People look cool using chopsticks. Kind of like some people look cool when they smoke cigarettes.

Only when you use chopsticks you use two sticks and you use them to shove food in your face instead of cancer. And you don't light chopsticks on fire. That's another difference. When you get chopsticks at a restaurant they're usually rolled in paper, so that's a similarity. I suppose if you were a smoker and you had two cigarettes you could use them as chopsticks too.

Wow, I never thought of that but that would be unbelievably cool. I mean, picture Humphrey Bogart in a fancy restaurant with Ingrid Bergman and one minute he's smoking his fag and the next he's eating dim sung. That blows my mind how cool that would be.

Maybe I'll take up smoking. Sure it'll shorten my life and make my teeth yellow, not to mention my religious prohibition, but freakin' cigarette chopsticks!? Cigarette chopsticks!!??

I think I'm cool because I use chopsticks . . . eh

22 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - some piano keys are stupid

There are eighty-eight keys on a regular piano and I wonder sometimes why there are so many because no song in the history of the world has ever used the top key or the bottom key. Mozzart tried to do it once but it's almost impossible to figure out how many lines you have to draw through the note to signify the correct staff position for the bottom or top note. Mozart missed the high note by two keys and he was so upset he gave up music altogether.

Not too many people know that story.

It reminds me of that other story about Beethoven and the biker gang.

Some piano keys are stupid . . . eh.

20 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - my backyard has issues

In the springtime some people look at the blossoms on trees and feel a new song in their heart, the smell of green, the hope of birth and beginnings.

I usually look at my backyard and think, "man, that is going to look like suck again."

We bought a dog last year and the odds are the yard will attain a greater level of suck than ever before. I feel a song in my heart too, but it sounds like a garage full of kazoos.

Now, I really love my dog but I hate kazoos. Which makes me wonder if I came home one day and my dog was playing a kazoo if they'd cancel each other out or if one would reign supreme.

I guess that's a stupid question. You've got to be able to hum to play a kazoo and Oakley's more of a whistler.

My backyard has issues . . . eh.

17 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - the man with the bushy mustache said I should meet him by the fern

Or maybe he just said "by Fern."

This puts me in kind of a dangerous position. Did the guy mean to meet him by a plant or a person? If a person, is that any person named Fern or am I supposed to look for the person named Fern. Is there anyone in the world who has attained one-name status like Weird Al or Hulk, but their name is Fern?

I wish the guy with the bushy mustache had just said to meet at McDonalds. I wouldn't know which one, of course, but then at least I could order a McBitchin.

The man with the bushy mustache said I should meet him by the fern . . . eh.

15 April 2015

That dream about waiting in line

There was that dream where I was waiting in line but I had no idea what I was waiting for and I didn't want to ask the guy in front of me because it was Abraham Lincoln and who wants to look stupid in front of Abraham Lincoln so I turned around to ask the guy behind me but it was kind of a similar problem because Genghis Khan probably only spoke Mongolian but I found out that he was a Star Trek fan because anytime you find yourself in front of Genghis Khan it is mandatory to do the Captain Kirk "Kahn!" thing with your hands in the air and Genghis smiled and gave me the live long and prosper sign but immediately contradicted his wish by chopping my head off and that's when I woke up, so I never did find out what the line was for.

13 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - sometimes I think I should have taken up painting forgeries

One reason I never took up painting forgeries is that I can't draw a straight line. But you know, I think that was true for a lot of cubist painters as well.

More importantly, I never took up painting forgeries because every time I take a paint brush in hand I hear Bob Ross's voice in my head chanting "happy trees" and then I lose consciousness.

When I wake up I'm always at that abandoned gas station in Key West and another ship lost-at-sea has been blamed on Johnny Depp.

Sometimes I think I should have taken up painting forgeries . . .eh.

10 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - call me crazy but that last meeting I went to where they discussed the subrogation policy was boring

I was reading a book called Dune. Really enjoying it, you know, and then it hit me - this is way better than that subrogation meeting I went to today.

Subrogation is a legal term that means someone can do something to someone else, I don't really remember because it was a boring meeting, but I feel bad because I think I was given an assignment in the meeting and a lot of money is a stake. But the meeting was boring! It wasn't fun at all like reading a book about giant worms and desert prophets.

I don't want to be unreasonable. I know a meeting about subrogation is inherently less interesting than a seminal work of fiction, but the least my boss could have done was add sound effects, maybe a little CGI.

Call me crazy but that last meeting I went to where they discussed the subrogation policy was boring . . .eh.

08 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - I wonder if there is such a thing as the smell of bacon

If this sounds like a strange question refer to my previous post.

I'm almost beside myself worrying over this. What if there really isn't such a thing as the smell of bacon?

I'd be okay if there wasn't such a thing as the smell of burnt hair, or even the smell of most Calvin Klein perfumes. I mean, who doesn't hate those commercials?

But bacon? You take away the smell of bacon and I begin to doubt the reality of love or kindness, the feeling of peace you get when you write a check to the IRS, the magical sound of geese in a bowling alley.

If the smell of bacon doesn't exist, then nothing good exists.

I hate science.

I wonder if there is such a thing as the smell of bacon . . . eh.

06 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - I'm trying a new brand of toothpaste

The last tube of toothpaste was blue but this one is green.

Only, the fact that this toothpaste is green is all a lie, apparently, because according to a show I watched there is no such thing as color in the physical world. When we see color it is just our mind interpreting different wavelengths of light. This was brought into relief recently by the white and gold dress that was big for a day.

The thing that concerns me is that maybe I haven't changed toothpastes at all, maybe there isn't more than one toothpaste in all the world, and even if I try a red cinnamon one it will just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Man, my favorite color used to be yellow.

I'm trying a new brand of toothpaste . . . eh.

03 April 2015

That dream about a short sleeve

There was that dream where one of my sleeves was longer than the other one and there could have been numerous logical reasons for this like manufacturer's error or a growth spurt on one one side of my body, but I had a strong suspicion it had something to do with the city's water supply and how some people believe that adding fluoride is a communist plot but no one can ever explain what the end goal of the plot is because if fluoride makes it so that all Americans have one arm shorter than the other then the athletes who push the four-man bobsled would seem to have an advantage and why would the Russians want to do that?

01 April 2015

Daily Ambivalence - when it rains it pours

That is such a catchy, ubiquitous saying that I'm trying to come up with a saying of my own that will live forever.

Now this is just the draft stage so don't hate me. They'll get better.


When it burns it destroys the skin through the dermis and possibly into underlying tissue.
When you fail people think less of you and you are one step closer to homelessness.
Teach a boy to fish and he will play video games or watch YouTube videos just like his friends who don't fish.
An apple a day isn't anywhere near as good as a Butterfinger and Heath shake, or breadsticks dipped in utlra-buttery Alfredo sauce, or claim chowder made with two quarts of heavy cream, or kettle chips and shrimp dip, but apples can still be good if you dip them in caramel then white chocolate then brown sugar.
That last one might be a little long.

But look for one of these or all of them to become a new catch phrase in the 21st century.

When it rains it pours . . . eh.