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30 June 2015

Pocket Hole free for two days

Yesterday, Pocket Hole was free for the next three days.

But one minus three. You know.

So, free for the next two days. Bobby Bob is of the opinion that if you didn't get Pocket Hole yesterday, you should get it today.

29 June 2015

Pocket Hole free for three days

For the luv. Here are some questions you should ask yourself.

Giant star-nosed moles - what do they smell like?

If you ever run into a galbog should you touch the cone on its head?

Why are all dentists from Scipio?

All important questions that are answered in Pocket Hole. Don't delay any longer. You can download this book for free the next three days. Did I say don't delay? I don't know, I can't spare the time to read what I've written above. Hurry!

26 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - just another broken promise

Riding home on the train today holding an umbrella I didn't use once. Even though the weatherman said it would rain today and I should pack my umbrella.

Just another broken promise.

Like that time when Jocellyn told me she would wait for me when I went off to war.

But she didn't.

Because she died.

Just another broken promise . . . eh.

22 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - so, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that

Scientists always seem to get credit when they invent something.

The same isn't true for master chefs. I mean, sure, Mildred Day's name is often bandied about how maybe she invented rice krispie treats way back in 1939, but I knew Mildred. She totally hated marshmallows.

And you can darn well be sure it wasn't Snap, Crackle, or Pop. They're just animated characters.

But you know, if animated characters could do things like invent stuff I still wouldn't put my money on them. I'd say it was probably Count Chocula. He's got that big castle, you know? And what do all castles have? Big kitchens and big libraries.

Big libraries have lots of cookbooks, and I'll bet Count Chocula uses his big kitchen all the time. Now his cereal sucks so he's for sure not eating that. I don't think it's too far a stretch from there to say he probably invented rice krispie treats.

And he didn't get any credit. It's sad.

So, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that . . . eh.

19 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats

No standard clickety-clack today but a drumbeat, and I can't think this difference anything but ominous as it builds and recedes between stops, a hardly heard promise of approaching armies, invaders that will more than pillage, alien men and alien minds their dark ways to learn, their dark tongue confess, learn, speak, their thoughts embrace and then understand.

Those around me now on this train, can they hear it? The drum. The beating drum. The voice in the wilderness announcing the approaching end.

Or it could be just a loose axle brush. I've heard a loose axle brush can make that sound too.

Sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats . . . eh.

17 June 2015

That dream about pecs

There was that dream where for the first time in my life I looked down and I had defined pectorals, and usually you have to work out to get those but I had gotten surgery and it's not that there is anything wrong with that but instead of filling the bags with silicone the pec bags were filed with Kentucky Fried chicken and in the dream I was really hungry and the nearest fast food restaurant was more than a block away but there right in front of me were two bags of the Colonel's finest and don't hate me, though in the end I was kind of disappointed because the doctors had filled both bags with extra crispy instead of original and there wasn't a single wing.

15 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - a guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes

Not the 9mm. The 9mm does not explode. The watermelon does.

And the guy was right. Kind of. The watermelon doesn't actually explode so much as blow apart. Not as impressive, really, which makes me wonder - what would it be like if Michael Bay had created the universe?

Part of me is kind of sad watermelons don't explode like mini super novas when you shoot them with a 9mm, but if Michael Bay had created the universe can you imagine how scary that would be? Things could explode for just about any reason. Let me correct that. Things could explode for any reason.

Just brushing your teeth would be treacherous. Open the medicine cabinet and - is that toothpaste in the tube or plastic explosive? That dog you just kicked, is it a chihuahua or a decepticon? That rumble in the floor, is that a passing train or is it the precursor to the first of eight earthquakes that will all register 8 on the richter scale so that when the movie is made it can say something like "And on the eighth day Bay said it wasn't good!"

Yeah, now that I think about it, I'm glad watermelons just kind of blow apart.

A guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes . . .eh.

12 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - forget about having a distinctive smell

Some guys are all about smelling the same way all the time. You know, they buy the same deodorant, the same cologn or aftershave. People who know them are comforted by the sameness, the sense that the person they know is encapsulated by an odor that surrounds them like invisible moths.

My dad is an Old Spice guy. Father's Day has always been a cake walk with him. For myself, I prefer to mix it up. More than that, I like to be a little strange.

On a Monday, maybe I'll choose Play-Doh as a scent. You can really buy that. Look it up. It comes in a bottle and everything. And that's nice, but something you can pour out of a bottle is too easy. If I do Play-Doh on Monday then I'll do something like Taco Time Mexi-fries on Tuesday. That's harder than it sounds. You can't just eat a bag of Mexi-fries and call it good. You can't let your breath do all the work, that's cheating. No, your whole body has to smell like Taco Time Mexi-fries. Your whole freaking body!

I make a soap.

The number of smells available to you when you embrace the rejection of distinctive smell is only limited by your imagination. Summertime Storm is nice, but so is New Car or Rodeo Clown. On Saturdays I like to get really crazy, so if you see me on a Saturday you might smell Burnt Asparagus or Lunchroom Corn.

Yeah, when I was in high school Elsha was all the rage. I've moved on.

Forget about having a distinctive smell . . . eh.

10 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - I still prefer a book

Despite all the electronic options out there today, I still prefer a book.

Mostly because of the prophecy.

Some people like the feel of paper pages on their fingers, the easy sense of where you are in a story. Or like Shoeless Joe it's the smell, but not of grass, with books it's the smell of old paper, of print that has spent too much time stacked next to others of its ilk. It is the view of books on the shelf, memorials to a reading history. It is sitting next to man you can see is reading one of your past loves. You don't interrupt but in him you sense a kindred spirit. It is the history of the page, the reality that words have lived on paper for all remembered time. Some people prefer books for these reasons, but yeah, for me I like books because of the prophecy.

I mean, it has to be real. That old woman had totally legit fortuneteller written all over her. So all I have to do is have a book in my coat pocket when that fake Elvis shoots me because he thinks I stole his spot on the Strip. The book will stop the bullet and Jason Statham who happens to be nearby will be so impressed he'll ask me to be in his next movie. And I'll win the lottery the next day.  I'll be set. The old woman described all this in detail.

Bummer about the alien invasion though.

I still prefer a book . . . eh.

09 June 2015

Murderous rage

I saw a flyer just a few minutes ago that said "Drive Your Engagement."

I, um . . . what?

I guess the intended meaning of that statement was "Take Charge of Your Life," or something like that, but it didn't say "Take Charge of Your Life." It said "Drive Your Engagement."

The flyer nearly sent me into a murderous rage.

"Drive" and "Engage" are probably power words that you can learn about in college. The goal is to find some way of combining power words on a flyer that make the flyer become a "Power Flyer."

I suspect there is some organization out there that hands out awards for the creative use of power word combinations. There's a dinner in a major city once a year or once a quarter and marketing types flock from all corners of the world to see who the hot new word shitters are. Pardon my French.

Well, writing these few words has helped. I'm calm. I've done my serenity now until the next time.

08 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - the disturbing history of glue

Most people have used glue, or at least seen a bottle of glue at some point in their life. It is a common household product that few in their hectic dash through life pause to consider.

Let us do that now. Pause. Consider. Glue.

For one, glue comes in all colors of the rainbow and is used to join disparate surfaces together and make them one.

Wow, that actually sounds like a metaphor for one of modern society's magic words. The "d" word. That's somewhat disturbing.

Disturbing is also a word that starts with d. But it isn't magic.

Dragons are magic though. And they start with d.

The disturbing history of glue . . . eh.

04 June 2015

I wonder what empty feels like

Does it feel like this? Inside your mind. More. Inside some cavity you feel but can't see, a mystic nothing, unsearchble, a fountain of story you took from without thought, but now you cast your net and it isn't that the net comes back empty, the net doesn't come back at all.

That's probably hubris.

Whining like that presupposes exchange, that a pen can bleed infinity dry, that my mind can see an end to circles. My melancholy is less than a nothing, a petty criminal, a repeat offender come to steal hope at the end of one miracle as another miracle gets set to unfold. I've met this melancholy before. I saw him last time and the time before, but hope stolen is hope gone. It returns when it returns.

01 June 2015

Daily Ambivalence - obvious statements

I have a friend who makes observations sometimes that are pretty obvious. The thing is, he offers them up like they are oral nuggets that could be worth millions. Things like:
My wife really enjoyed her time at the mall yesterday.
If my wife says she spent "about 20 dollars" that's code for she spent 50 dollars.
If we are going somewhere and need to leave in ten minutes and my wife says "I'm almost ready, I just have one more eye left," that means we're gong to be an hour late.
I'm nice about it whenever he says stuff like that, but in my mind I'm always thinking, "Duh."

Obvious statements . . . eh.