Daily Ambivalence - Aliens was better than Alien, but Alienss and Aliensss sucked

The last two movies in the series might not have been called Alienss and Aliensss. I forget. I wasn't involved in the making of either movie. I don't even live in Hollywood.

I did see Jopseph Gordon-Levitt once on the freeway though. He was driving a Toyota Celica, which I assumed was stolen. Obviously. I mean, can you imagine Joseph Gordon-Leavitt going to a Toyota dealer and saying "I'll take that one?"

Why Joseph Gordon-Leavitt would steal a car is beyond me. You can't even sell a Celica for parts.

My best friend in high school owned a Celica. His name was Joseph too. I remember the day we found out that Celicas don't drift well. At least, not when you have eleven people in the car playing MMA. No, that car didn't drift at all. At least, that's what Joseph said. I was stuffed on the floor on the passenger's side.

It would have been nice if iPads were invented back then. I would have watched a movie there on the floor. Probably Aliens.

Aliens was better than Alien, but Alienss and Aliensss sucked . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - there's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom

Yeah, I'm not kidding. There's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom.

I have a friend who is an bit of a nut-job when it comes to food and cleanliness. You breathe in the direction of a sandwich she's eating and it's yours. Which basically means that if I ate that peanut on the floor of the men's bathroom and then told her what I did it would break her mind.

Not that this is automatically a good thing, and of course there are other factors to consider.

What kind of communicable diseases can you catch from a peanut that's been on the floor of a bathroom for an undetermined amount of time? You know, there's that saying that most bathroom floors are cleaner than your kitchen table.

I believe that, but probably not enough to test it.

Still, it would be great to break someone's mind. You know, kind of bucket list thing.

There's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom . . . eh.

That dream about the construction worker's toolbelt

There was that dream where a construction worker was bragging about his tool belt but the only people who would listen to him were some Japanese tourists who had just gotten off a bus and my first thought was that I hope this post doesn't sink into some Japanese cliche, but then there he was, Godzilla jumping up and down on buildings and I remember the first Godzilla movie I saw as a kid when Godzilla fought King Kong and Godzilla was kind of a jerk back then, but this time I didn't mind him so much because the only buildings he jumped on were chick restaurants like Zuppas and Kneaders.

Daily Ambivalence - accordion players in Mexico

Maybe you don't listen to Mexican music on the radio, and neither do I, but accordion players in Mexico all live in palaces and have harems.

No, it's true. You want girls in Mexico? Whip out an accordion.

You ever heard Stairway to Heaven played on an accordion? Neither have I. But it's freakin' huge in Mexico.

Strange how other countries can appreciate such different sounds. You play an accordion in the U.S. and you don't get beat up just by the school bully. Melvin the nerd joins him. You play an accordion in Mexico and you're a rock god.

I think I need to broaden my horizons and learn more about other strange, exotic countries in the world. You know, find out what instruments influence their music.

Like Canada. Does anybody know what Canadian music sounds like?

Accordion players in Mexico . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - my car is somewhere in that parking garage

It's not like my car ran away and I'm taping up missing car posters. I parked it over there in the parking garage for some reason. But was it B-13 or G-8?

I wish I hadn't played Battleship with that mime in the park a couple hours ago.

Geeze. I lost to a mime and now I can't find my car.

I should go find that mime. Maybe he knows where my car is.

My car is somewhere in that parking garage . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - Frankenstein's abnormal brain

You ever wonder who the guy was that labeled Frankenstein's brain as abnormal?

What system of measurement did he use? Was it Brickman's Thalamic Orlab Pysiology? The Shirkstain Braid Test?

I wish Mary Shelley had specified. Some brains get labeled abnormal simply because they have an overlarge basal ganglia. I doubt if the townsfolk near the castle took that into consideration when they burned the windmill.

Too bad. Some people think a huge basal ganglia actually equates to going big with Christmas decorations during the holidays. I mean, how cool would it have been to have Frankenstein's pimped out Christmas house in your neighborhood? YouTube would go crazy every year.

Frankenstein's abnormal brain . . . eh

Daily Ambivalence - my fortune teller said that someone I know is going to be sick soon

I wonder how you even make a crystal ball?

Or maybe you don't make crystal balls. Do you mine them?

I've noticed that crystal balls come in all sizes but not all shapes. Because they're balls, I suppose.

My fortune teller's crystal ball is bigger than a basketball, which is too big in my opinion, but she says it told her that someone I know is going to get sick soon. She was emphatic about that.

I'd love to discount the power of that crystal ball, but I'm pretty sure I heard my neighbor complaining about a rosacea flare up the other day.

Wow, that crystal ball is amazing.

My fortune teller said that someone I know is going to be sick soon . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - if you ever get stuck on a ski lift

If you've never skied, let me tell you that getting stuck on a ski lift is not an occurrence outside the realm of possibility.

Sometimes you'll be on a ski lift and it will just stop. Maybe someone getting on the lift at the bottom fell down and the guy running the lift hit a button so the person could get up and get back on the chair, even though what they wish the lift guy would do is shoot them in the head because everyone else is staring at them.

But you up there on the lift. No one is staring at you. You're alone. It's you against Nature and all you have is your wits and your courage, while Nature has wind and cold and snow and freezing rain and earthquakes and volcanoes with lava and chain lighting.

Wow, you're totally screwed up there.

If you ever get stuck on a ski lift . . . eh.

That dream about rock and roll

There was that dream where I was driving to class and I was pretty excited because it was a course on my favorite band, Self, but I couldn't find a place in the hallway to park where I wouldn't also get a ticket, and who needs a class about your favorite band anyway because rock and roll is all about freedom, only Self is more like synth pop so I parked in front of English 110 and when I got my ticket later that day it wasn't a monetary fine but an assignment to diagram ten sentences and write an essay on Edmund Spenser's contribution to free verse poetry.

Daily Ambivalence - you should put bacon on it

You know that chef guy with the cooking show? The one where "you should put bacon on it" is his catch phrase?

Last year, I took it as a personal challenge to disprove this silly catch phrase. In my opinion, all people who make blanket statements of any kind are idiots.

I mean, the idea that you can fix anything just by putting bacon on it is preposterous.

Case in point. A few weeks ago I was about to drive to my phrenologist but I was having a heck of time scraping the ice off my windshield. It hit me then - put bacon on it! Catch phrase disproved.

Problem is the ice came right off. My car has worked better since then too.

Rotten bastard. I'll find a hole in that chef's catch phrase yet.

You should put bacon on it . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - pyromania is frowned upon in warmer climates

Isn't it strange that gasoline should smell so good but you can't drink it?

Or, you can, but it doesn't taste good and you can only drink it in small quantities before it makes you sick.

Like all people, I can still remember my first campfire. I was four years old and all the important parts are as vivid in my mind as if it happened twenty minutes ago.

The book of matches was new. The cover was red and yellow and said Holliday In, Tucson. My dad wasn't a smoker so he didn't have much practice with the book matches. He ruined three before one caught. The flash of flame was brilliant. I could feel the image hit the back of my brain like it was a magnesium baseball.

Such happy childhood memories.

Pyromania is frowned upon in warmer climates . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - I've never actually been to the Shire

Before you say anything, I know. I'm not stupid.

Bilbo died and Frodo went West and got a condo in Valinor. I know I wouldn't be able to hang with them if I went to the Shire. Still be cool though.

People are always talking about trips to Hawaii or Paris but no one ever seems to go to the Shire. In my opinion, that is a golden opportunity that travel agents just aren't exploiting.

I've never actually been to the Shire . . . eh.